


Taking chances

by Trash_Town_Mayor



Series: Reincarnation Collection [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex can't keep it in his pants, Alex is stupid, Alexander Hamilton Needs Sleep, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Fanfiction, Gay John Laurens, Have fun guessing which one, Historical References, Human Disaster Alexander Hamilton, I am so sorry for you, I'm killing a character this fic, If any of you guys read the tags I’m screwed, It pains me to write, I’m trying to find a proper schedule for this, Jack is sad, Lams - Freeform, Multi, Reincarnation, Sequel, So much angst, Yell at me in the comments, at least i think, bear with me, but that’s irrelevant, but we love him, i am Big Sad, i am so so sorry, it's the most historically accurate I'm going to get, it’s all over the place, it’s so bad, jeffmads - Freeform, mullette, please, really - Freeform, so am I, this is a lot of angst, this is gonna be fun, why are you even reading this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-01
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:21:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 17,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27752218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash_Town_Mayor/pseuds/Trash_Town_Mayor
Summary: Reincarnation is something someone must come to terms with.Second lives are tricky to understand, and even more tricky to cope with. What happens to someone when they can't differentiate past and present? Do things repeat themselves?How far does it go before the line between the history they've lived and the second life they got finally become clear again...
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Alexander Hamilton/Maria Reynolds (past), George Washington/Martha Washington, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette/Hercules Mulligan, Thomas Jefferson/James Madison
Series: Reincarnation Collection [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031064
Comments: 12
Kudos: 18





	1. White Picket Fence

Jack’s letters never go unnoticed. Ben makes it a point to write a response immediately after he gets Jack’s letter and reads it. Which means that the letter arrives a week later- almost on the dot. So when Jack wakes up with a pep in his step and a broad smile on his face, Alex knows why. He never brings it up, though the smile is a nice change from the concentrated scowl he usually has in the mornings. 

The way Jack hurries to get dressed for the day and out the door to go fetch the mail is amusing and a comforting schedule that they have fallen into. 

Something that Alex could live with for the rest of his life. He sort of wished he would… not that he had the guts to say that to Jack. No, that would be much too bold of a move, and Alex was far from bold in relationships. 

When Jack got back into the apartment it was like any other day. There wasn’t a word said to Alex as he happily settled on the couch and opened the envelope to read Ben’s letter. 

**Dear Jack,**

_Don’t apologize for not having time to write, your life way back here is long over, enjoy New York! Do you know Jordan has to tell Alex that all the time too? I’m glad that you and Alex are finally trying to settle in. It’s hard, but I’m sure you two will manage._

_The dorms back here have been interesting. All these kids ignore I exist, makes me miss you and your friends a little. Not that I wish all that chaos would come back, it’s very calm now that you’ve left. Jordan and I miss the extra hands to help around here, though. You and Alex are god send._

_Even I had to ask about the christmas party-- I didn’t know it was going to happen! I asked Jordan to message Alex the information on it, since I think it’ll help persuade him more. Plus the messaging is much faster. I have been thinking that maybe we should move to messaging. I understand writing is a nice connection to past life, but we must sacrifice some of our past for our present. It’s sad, but you’ll finally understand when you’re older._

_I am glad you’re concerned about how I am doing, but I wouldn’t want to bore you with that even if you were in the room with me. As I have said, life is lax now. As for the whole college question, I’m also not sure you want to hear that story. I’m sure it’s much less parties and large events than you’re experiencing. I hope your classes don’t take up all the extra time you have, Jack, you know you don’t have to take your spare time to write. You’re young. Someday you’ll regret spending all that extra time on an old man. Enjoy your new start, you deserve it._

_I’m happy you finally ask about Lewis and Tyler. I have been keeping an eye on both of them. They’re doing very well too. Though, I cannot go against regulations and share any personal information. I can tell you that there’ll be a call very very soon from one of them. Jordan has been trying to push someone to get the guts to finally reconnect. I think it’ll be good for you._

_I’m afraid to say that Jordan is still overworking himself as usual. Of course Ace and I must take the time to calm him down and try and slow him down. I see where Alex gets it from. They’re so similar sometimes, aren’t they?_

_Take care,_

_Ben_

Jack smiled widely as he read it. There was always a happiness that was connected with Ben’s letters. It made Jack wonder if there was some way to attach happiness to something physical and send it away- because that was definitely what Ben was doing. What he refused to acknowledge was the real fact he was happy. There was no way he’d say it aloud, but he knew it. Ben was a father to him. Or at least more of a father than Harry ever would be. These small interactions within the letters were making up for his entire childhood. The relationship with Ben that had formed was something Jack could cherish until the day he died… again. 

As Jack was engulfed in the emotion of the letter Alex, who was standing in the hallway’s entrance to the living room, went unnoticed. He stood there looking rather defeated. His expression held the fondness that he felt seeing Jack looking so happy sitting there reading the letter, but alo the frustration he left after he had been looking for a specific tie for the past ten minutes and couldn’t find it. He had to clear his throat to get his boyfriend’s attention, and even then he could tell that Jack’s mind was wandering the halls of that dorm building way back in South Carolina. 

“You look nice.” Jack grinned, setting the letter down for the first time since he sat down, and walking over to Alex. 

Alex could feel the red creep up his neck, “Would look better if I could find my tie.” he muttered, shyly. He always felt shy around Jack. It never had seemed to wear off. Even as they went further and further with their relationship. In Alex’s eyes Jack was a god of some sorts. He was perfect and beautiful and handsome. He could see nothing less when he looked at Jack. Maybe that was why he felt so meek around him. It wasn’t jealousy by any means, but it was the fact he felt… undeserving. Like he wasn’t worthy of Jack’s attention and love. 

“The green one?” Jack asked right away, his brow quirking. Alex nodded. “Mm. That’s my favorite one. Perfect color for you.” Jack mumbled just over his breath. “I’m sure we can find it before you leave.”

And so the search for the tie began. Moving shirts in the closet, and opening the few drawers they had. The entire time Alex was there, admiring Jack. Feeling off- out of it. Jack glowed in the dim lighting of the room, and Alex couldn’t help but stare in awe. His curly hair (which was pulled into a ponytail-- how Alex loved it) framed his face perfectly without him even trying. And his hazel eyes made Alex lose his breath when they made eye contact. Don’t even get Alex started on the freckles-- oh god, his freckles. There had been nights when he’d sit there and count them, but he always got to fifty then lost track. Ugh, and the muscles of Jack’s arms under his sleeves. Alex had to stop himself from drooling. 

“It’s this one, right?” Jack asked, turning to Alex with the tie in hands. His fingers worried the fabric as he looked over Alex’s expression. Realizing his boyfriend was rather spaced out. “Are you okay?” He asked, frowning.

“Huh? Yeah. I’m okay.” Alex breathed, smiling. He stepped closer with red cheeks and let his hands touch the tie for a moment. “Can you tie it? I never get it right the first time.” That was a lie. After working in politics for even a week Alex had mastered the art of getting it tied right, but there was something so nice about feeling like he needed someone else to do it for him. 

“I can do it, yeah.” Jack smiled, looping the tie around his neck with a cocky smirk. His hands grazed Alex’s chest and shoulders just enough for the butterflies to show in Alex’s stomach and his eyes to space out again as he stared at Jack. So perfect. 

“I had never worn a tie before I got this job.” Alex chuckled, “I had no clue how to fix the tie… no one ever taught me. Had to learn myself.” He watched Jack’s hands slow on the tie, and a small frown pull onto his face. 

Jack tilted his head a little-- getting lost in thought. He finished the tie, and stepped back ever so slightly to see how it looked before mumbling, “beautiful.” Then he stepped forward again, and planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek. “I can always tie it for you. Or if you want I can teach you. Don’t need to worry about me shooting you down.” 

“Thank you.” Alex grinned, feeling rather giddy as he thought about being able to have this moment with Jack more often. Even if he had almost mastered the tie he didn’t care. Jack didn't need to know that. “I’ve got to go, though.” 

Jack hummed, sounding pretty disappointed as he pecked Alex on the lips and offered, “take out tonight?” 

“Sounds great.” 

“Go get your point across.” Jack chuckled, kissing Alex again before he walked out the door. 

They stuck with the plan of take out for dinner. Jack was happy that they did because he had a long day on campus, and was far from the mood to make something. He was grumpy. This kid in his microbiology class was passing him stupid letters, and since they were in the back of the lecture hall the professor cared even less than he would have if they were in the front. Lord, Jack hated that class. The letters were all making fun of him and had dumb pictures poorly drawn on them, as if that made it any more offensive. It wasn’t even the content of the letters that bothered Jack so much. He was trying so hard not to flunk this course, and this kid-- who he never even caught the name of --was making it exceedingly difficult. 

So when Jack had gotten home he flopped onto the couch, and decided to stay there until Alex got home. Because gosh darn it, he deserved a break, so he was going to take one. As he was laid dramatically over the sofa Alex stepped through the door looking much more enthusiastic than Jack did. It was clear he had a better day. 

It took a moment before Alex even saw Jack was on the couch. It sure did scare him when he saw him, though. Alex jumped. That didn’t happen often. “Your classes are already done for the day?” He asked, loosening his tie undoing the first button of his shirt. 

Jack groaned something into the pillow that his face was pressed in, but of course the pillow muffled it too much to hear. He wasn’t in the mood to repeat himself, so he didn’t even bother to lift his head and say anything until he heard Alex on the phone ordering take out. He lifted his head with the smallest of smiles and muttered, “I almost forgot that’s what we planned-” 

The two ended up settling together on the couch-- Jack sprawled out, his head on Alex’s lap --as they watched the most recent show they had begun to binge together. And they enjoyed dinner. There was little talk about their day which meant Alex got to cuss out that kid from Jack’s microbiology course, and then fawn about how his plan was going well at his work.

It was all going great. Alex ran his fingers through Jack’s mess of curls, not bothering to get frustrated over how his fingers got caught in the rats nest every few seconds. When Alex realized that Jack didn’t want to talk, he didn’t force him. They made small commentary about the show (which Jack thought was sort of horrid, but he didn't mind it) as time went on. 

Until Jack’s phone began to buzz on the coffee table. 

It was an unknown number, but the message that had been sent before the call started, one that he had disregarded, was enough to know exactly who was trying to reach him. 

“That sly old man.” Jack laughed as he picked up the phone. Getting a confused looked from Alex as he lifted it to his ear. “Hey. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all my wonderful readers!  
> You may have already seen, but I have posted the first chapter to a Supernatural fanfic today too...  
> That's right, I finally got the motivation to keep up two fanficitons at once. 
> 
> Though writing may be slow since I just made the horrible mistake of offering to do more work in a class that I'm already working my butt of in. I guess the name Alexander really fits me in this situation (not me making a Hamilton joke. God save my soul). 
> 
> Anyways-- I hope you all have a better day than I'm having. Drink some water, eat something today. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. 
> 
> Love,  
> Yet another person named Alexander who can't keep themself from overworking


	2. The Road So Far

It takes a while before a new place begins to feel like home. It isn’t until keys have their place on the counter, and there are creases in the couch that it really begins to feel comfortable. A homesickness lingers in the air as things begin to find their place, because no place can really feel like home for the first year you’re there. 

It’s something Jack and Alex know too well. Neither of them had a very good experience with homes. The Laurences moved around for their social standing’s sake, and Alex acted out to get out of places. So this was nothing new. 

There were often conversations on the couch late at night about it. Often talk about how much they missed their friends and Jordan and Marissa. 

The day things finally started to settle in was relieving. 

“I’m home!” Jack called, stepping through the doorway of their small apartment and tossing his keys on the table not too far from the door. He hung up his jacket and kicked off his shoes before he peeked his head around the corner. Brows furrowed when he saw that Alex wasn’t sitting in his usual spot on the couch. “Must’ve gone into work today…” he muttered to himself as he rolled up the sleeves of his sweater and stepped into the small kitchen to get a start on dinner. 

As he cooks Jack thinks about what his friends and family might be doing at the moment. Not his blood family, but his found family. Jack knew that Lewis had moved in with Jordan and Marissa not too long after beginning to work with them, but he had no idea what happened to the boy after. And Tyler… he’s been a mystery since he left after graduation. Said he wanted to visit his boyfriend (who lived god knows where) and ended up staying with him for good. Somehow there had been a disconnect between Jack and everyone else. Though, he’d grown quite close with Ben, and still wrote the man letters. 

Alex had stayed in touch with Jordan. Jack swore that Jordan must have been Alex’s father in their past life. The two had the same energy as parent and son, and it warmed his heart. 

Living with Alex for the past half year made Jack learn a lot about the other boy. His little habits were the hardest to get used to. Alex had a schedule he had to stick to every single morning or else everything would be thrown off for the rest of the day. Or how he hated it when Jack tried to neaten up the stacks of papers on his desk that looked so messy. All of the little habits weren’t bad, though. Jack loved how Alex would play with his hair as he spaced out after a long day when they laid on the couch with one another. He especially loved how Alex would call him on his lunch break every day- whether he was working from home or not -and tell him exactly how his day was going. 

There were things that just settled between them, too. Like the blurry line between Jack and Alex and John and Alexander. Their relationships were beginning to blur, but neither of them seemed to mind. They were beginning to learn that having someone so close when they woke up in a cold sweat was nice. What was even better was the fact they had been so close in their past life, too. When either of them had a dream about the past it took every little explaining of the situation for the other to understand. It was comforting in the best way. 

As Jack waited for the water in the pot to boil he found a paper and pen to begin his letter to Ben. 

It had been a bit since he wrote. 

**_Dear Ben,_ **

_I’m sorry it’s been so long since I wrote last. Alex and I are trying to settle in quick before Christmas rolls around. It’d be truly tragic if we were still so everywhere in the middle of the holiday. How’re things going in the dorm building?_

_I’m sure the kids are still giving you a rough time. I wish Alex and I could still be there to help. I love those kids._

_There’s been something I’ve been meaning to ask. And it’d be amazing if you could give me a little bit of information on it, but I’ve heard from my dear Alex that Jordan is thinking about having a Christmas party soon. I do hope he intended on inciting us. If not, do not worry. I can convince Alex to come off with me and celebrate with one another. We would love to go, though._

_How have you been doing? I wish I could check in more often, but school has gotten in the way. It’ll all be worth it when I can go off and use all my work for something good, right? Hey Ben, did you ever go to college? I’m sure you did. Just never heard that story from you. I bet it’s a good one._

Jack paused, pen hovering over the paper as he considered his next words. Cautious of what he was about to say. 

_Do you know anything about what happened to Tyler and Lewis? I know Jordan knows stuff, but he’s been refusing to tell Alex. It’s getting on his nerves. I’ve been meaning to try and get in touch with them again. Do you remember how close we were way back when? Even just a phone number would be great. You can always call too. I get lonely when Alex is off working. Did you know he got promoted? I’m so proud of my boy. I can’t believe he got into politics again. He can tell some funny stories of his past relating to politics._

_What has Jordan been up to? And Ace? Do you think they’d send a letter with your response? That’d be great._

_Love,_

_Jack_

_P.s. Make sure you get some rest tonight._

Jack couldn’t help but smile as he heard the door creak open. “Is that who I think it is?” He grinned, checking the boiling water before he dared to walk to the entryway. He met Alex’s tired eyes, fawning over the exhausted grin that his boyfriend had. “Long day?” 

Alex hummed, not bothering to take off his jacket as he sauntered over and settled his head in the crook of Jack’s neck. “Should wear the apron more. Look cute in it.” 

“You think so?” Jack chuckled before he pressed a kiss on the top of Alex’s head. “Not so sure red is my color.” 

“Looks good.” Alex spoke, his voice muffled by Jack’s skin. “I could’ve made something. You didn't have to.” 

Jack sighed softly, “Alex I wanted to cook dinner. Making spaghetti. How about you go get into some comfy clothes, and then tell me about your day?” 

Alex lifted his head, eyes glowing with that childish determination that he always had. The thing that Jack envied so much. “I love you so much.” He breathed with a faint smile. 

“Love you too.” Jack mumbled before he pecked Alex on the lips. “I have to go make sure I won’t burn down the apartment building, though.” 

“That’s important.” Alex nodded. “I’ll be back out in a minute.” 

Jack smiled and began to walk back into the kitchen. Before he could get fully through the doorway he yelped, turning to see Alex with a smirk. “Did you just smack my butt- Alex!” 

The other boy shrugged with a laugh, “Couldn’t help myself.” Was all he said before he went down the short hall to their bedroom. 

As Jack began to prepare dinner he couldn’t help but smile. This was what he had been hoping for when he travelled by Alex’s side out to New York. It was exactly how he wanted it. He wouldn’t trade this white-picket fence life with his dorky boyfriend for anything else. 

It was beginning to feel like home, and that’s all that mattered.


	3. Making a new normal

When Jack picked up the phone with a smug grin Alex felt more than confused. He sat there with a curious expression that was topped with a quirked brow-- which could only be compared to a sundae with a cherry adorning the pile of whip cream. The expression that he had was enough to make Jack chuckle. See, this wasn't an often face that Alex had to wear. When this whole living with Jack thing began they became much more open with one another. There were conversations about random people being a little too friendly with them, or about an angry old woman at the bus stop who lectured them for being so openly gay. There wasn't anything that was kept from one another... at least what they knew of. So Alex not knowing what person was calling was something new. And this had been the only new thing other than...

"It's Lewis." Jack smiled, covering the bottom of his phone has he pulled it from his head. He could read Alex's expression, and it wasn't like a conversation with Lewis aws anything personal, so he set the phone down on the couch between them and put it on speaker. "It's been awhile, huh?" He asked in a calm manner that even surprised him. Inside he was ecstatic. Every nerve on his body lit with the joy and hyperness he was feeling. His physical composure, at least other than the cheek splitting smile he was sporting, was a big surprise. 

On the other side of the line there was a quiet chuckle, "I guess it has." The voice of Lewis was enough to make Jack want to cry. So many little memories flying into his mind. He was comfortable in an odd way. Throughout all of the scenes he created in his mind after losing touch, this hadn't been how he expected to get back in touch. Even the silence between them was comfortable, something Jack was far form used to with someone he hadn't talked to in a bit. It seemed like time hadn't aged them at all. Nothing was how you way-- awkward as they sat there and took in the fact they were finally talking again. "You and Alex, are you still together?" Lewis asked sheepishly. 

Alex gasped, feigning a very dramatic emotion that Jack could only assume was being offended, "How _dare_ you assume we broke up!" His hand was on his chest-- as if Lewis was right there with them, and his eyes were wide. It made Jack tilt his head back and laugh. 

"Ah," Lewis sighed in relief, "Good. I was worried I'd have to find Alex and tell him off." Another silence sat between them as they all tried to piece together what to talk about. Though the conversation wasn't uncomfortable one bit, the pauses made Jack a little antsy. It was nothing like the old conversations they'd have in the dorm room. Those were constantly going, and maybe Jack was indulging in a little too much reminiscing, but he was really wishing they could keep the conversation going like they used to. "How are you two doing?" 

That was a topic Jack could go on and on about. It was a soft spot for him. There were so many things he wanted to spew about. Like how they spent time watching new series together, and how many stories Alex began to write based off of them. About how Alex was sweet enough to join Jack during lunch break, or how Jack brought coffee to Alex when he got messages from Alex saying it was a rough day. The thing he definitely wanted to talk about was the little black box that was hidden in the back of his underwear drawer-- the only place he knew Alex wouldn't find it. He wanted Lewis' opinion on it, but that would have to wait for another time because surprises weren't fun when they weren't... well... a surprise. 

"It's going good!" Alex piped up with a grin. He must have noticed Jack getting lost in thought and took matters into his own hands. "Followed our prepubescent dreams of moving to New York, living in a crappy apartment." Alex looked to Jack, his grin turning smug. 

Jack had to shake his head with an over exaggerated sigh. Alex always made it a point to complain about the apartment building. Even if there wasn't very much wrong here. When they finally made it into New York they split the duties of managing the move. Alex took the matters of finding the furniture since they were coming in with nothing, which left Jack to find the viable options of theirs with what money they had to begin with. When they had started the task of this all Jack had been the one complaining, but of course he had to have a taste of his own medicine and hear Alex anytime there was an opportunity. 

"It can't be that bad." Lewis countered, Jack could practically _hear_ his nervous smile over the line. 

" _Thank you!"_ Jack hissed, shooting a glare in Alex's direction. In turn Alex rolled his eyes and stuck his tongue out. Jack couldn't help but laugh at that one. "What are you doing these days? It's been so long and Ben won't tell me anything." He asked with curiosity that mixed with the itch to change the topic. It wasn't worth sitting here and hearing Alex rant about how much he hated the apartment building. 

"Of course he won't." Lewis mumbled, just loud enough for the phone to pick up. Jack was sure he didn't want the other two to hear because it had sounded as if he had pulled the phone away from his head with the hopes his phone wouldn't catch his statement. "Uhm-" He stuttered, "It's funny you ask, actually." 

Alex quirked a brow and looked to Jack, asking a high-pitched "Oh?" After he did his face shifted to a _'are we about to hear some tea?'_ expression that was enough to make Jack giggle. It was a common face he saw Alex pull when in public, and it usually meant some mischief was about to ensue. "Why's that?" 

"I'm working on moving into my boyfriend's place." Lewis' voice was so bright in the moment that over the phone Jack could see his smile with such clarity that it hurt. It was almost infectious. Both Alex and Jack grinned with wide eyes, and began to mock and coo in unison. There was a chorus of _oooo's_ before Lewis spoke again and shut them up, "Mhm. I've got a boyfriend." 

Jack shifted to lean back on the arm of the couch, stretching his arms back behind him as he sighed, "And I haven't met the lucky guy to give my seal of approval?" 

"I wasn't aware I needed your okay." Lewis replied. "He's a second timer too. Actually... One of you met him personally in the past. I think he'll recognize both of you right away. I mean, he knew it was me straight away." For a moment Jack could see the teenage Lewis that he knew years ago. He could see the shy smile and nervous shifting as they used to talk late at night in their dorm. The air around them settled like it used to, full of excitement and teasing. "He hasn't changed at all personality wise. I'll be amazed if neither of you realize who he is when you meet him... I'm going too long, aren't I?" He asked, sheepish and shy. Almost reserved, even. Jack smiled at how familiar it sounded. 

"Not at all." Jack reassured. "We were the ones who asked after all." For a moment he got lost in thought again, wondering exactly how he wanted to go about reconnecting with Lewis. After all, Jack had never really had to reconnect with someone. Whoever was in his past was in his past-- that's how it had always been. "We should meet up." he blurted, looking to Alex to see him hold in a laugh. Jack blushed as he thought about what he said, "If we can... that is. Are you in New York? We can drive a while if we need to..." 

Lewis laughed on the other side of the line, "I am. Though probably not anywhere near where you are. I'm moving into an actual house. There aren't any sucky apartments nearby." 

“We’re just outside of upper washington.” Alex spoke up quickly. He had to have been as excited as Jack was. The bounce of his leg as he shifted in his spot was enough to show it. Jack had learned that over time- that Alex wasn’t very physically expressive. It was much like his last life, Jack thought. There wasn’t very much emotional talk, but when you let him sit down with a paper and a pen he could write love letters that made your heart soar. Jack swore he had too big of an ego from how many letters he read from Alex. “we can drive closer to you, though. The city isn’t as fun as you think.” 

“Ah. trust me, I know.” Lewis responded, “Maybe we could find a nice cafe to meet up at? I know you both love a good coffee.” 

Jack laughed, his smile reaching his eyes, scrunching his nose. Alex had to take a moment to catch his breath. “You know us too well.” 

Another silence settled in the air. This time it was warm and welcoming. The air didn't hold any tension in the slightest, no, it held memories. Around them warped the scenes of first meeting, of walking down the halls of the high school, and teasing one another for being too nervous to admit feelings. It was almost like they were back in those moments- reliving the moments of their life they would remember if they had a third chance after this. In the mix there were some smaller memories. Like sitting in the dewy field late at night, watching the stars and planes in the sky. There were scenes of the library and all the times they had been aggressively hushed by the poor woman who was stuck working there. 

Then it hit Jack like a ton of rocks. The question making his limbs itch so bad that he knew he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he didn't ask- "Do you have any idea where Tyler is?" He blurted without any thought. He mentally cursed himself out for not thinking about the fact Lewis probably wanted to hear more about him and Alex, but that could all wait until they met in person. Talking over the phone had never been his forté. 

Over the call there wasn't a single word spoken. Somehow the slight static that was on the line said a million more words than actual words could. Jack sighed and shook his head, not noticing the concerned look Alex wore as he watched the interaction unfold. "Sorry. I just thought there was a chance you'd know." 

"Don't be sorry." Lewis mumbled, and though Jack couldn't see him he knew that Lewis was frowning. An expression he always pestered Lewis about because that boy couldn't afford to wrinkle his perfect face. "I can help you search when we meet. Is next monday okay for you two? Around noon?" 

Alex and Jack shared an expression. They both had one quirked brow as they asked one another if either of them had something happening that exact moment. Alex spoke for them a moment later, "Sounds good." 

Lewis chuckled, just loud enough for the other two to hear. It made Jack feel homesick. But not for the home he grew up in down in South Carolina, he longed for the home he had found at merely sixteen. He ached to sit in the small dorm like room with Lewis again and recount the day at school they had. For a moment he had to hold back tears. Even he didn't know why this exact moment was when his mind decided to bring all this back, but he didn't mind the bittersweetness of it all. 

"We'll see you then." Alex smiled. It was charming. Like he knew Jack was having a moment and took over for him. That's what Jack adored so much. His boyfriend's ability to understand him like no one else did. He couldn't help the metaphorical hearts that formed in his eyes. Like a silent thank you as he fantasized the day that he was hoping would come soon. It was girly, sure, but Jack didn't care one bit. He loved Alex, and he wanted to spend his life with the other boy. So that's what he was planning to do. 

Before he even realized it the phone was set on the coffee table with a black screen. The call had ended. Alex leaned back on the arm of the couch, facing Jack as he extended his arms as a sign he wanted to cuddle. Jack complied. As he got in his usual place, head leaned against Alex's chest, he heard his voice resonate in his chest. "What's on your mind?" Alex asked as if he'd been wanting to ask the question since the call had started- he probably _had_. 

Jack hummed at first, considering his words. There were a few ways he could go about this, and half of them revealed the secret he was trying so hard to keep to himself. He had to wait until new years, or at least a day or two before. Maybe at Jordan's... though christmas probably isn't the best time... 

"Jack?" Alex questioned, fingers getting stuck in the boy's curls as he played with the messy ponytail Jack had hurriedly pulled his hair into that morning. 

"Sorry." He apologized under his breath, even if he knew he didn't have to. It was a habit he had gotten into. Probably because of how many times he'd run into people while walking on campus or even just around New York. It was a crazy place, and he watched his feet too much when he walked. "Just started thinking about way back when. Y'know? Like when Lewis and I would watch you and Tyler argue in the morning. Or when you and I would sneak out to see the stars, those were my favorite nights. Not when he got caught though. I thought Jordan was going to kill us." 

Alex laughed, "I miss that. We were so dumb." 

"We weren't dumb. Just naïve." Jack mumbled, thinking about how much they didn't know. There had been so many moments after they moved out here on their own that didn't make sense. No one had taught them what to do when an appliance didn't work or how to drive in New York where the streets were constantly packed and terrifying. But they learned, and as much as Jack loved the process of getting used to it here, the little things here could never compare to what was home before here. "Do you think things will go back to normal when we find Tyler after this?" 

"Honestly? No." Alex spoke matter of factly, like he had thought about this himself before. Though there was a carefulness in how he spoke. It made Jack feel sort of like a little kid. "I think if we get the group together again it own't go back to _normal._ I think we'll just make a new normal." 

Jack smiled, "I like the sound of that. You really think it'll happen?" He looked up to Alex, both of them meeting eyes. It was a tender moment, one they hadn't been able to share through the chaos of college and work. 

"Yeah." Alex nodded, "But if we want that I think we'll need some sleep. I'm tuckered out." 

"Same." Jack laughed. 

They ended up spending the night on the couch, watching movie after movie. At one point they started making their commentary which made both of them laugh so hard their ribs hurt. Somewhere in the night they fell asleep, cuddled up on the crappy couch. They'd have sore limbs in the morning, but neither of them cared. This was the type of life they had signed up for, and both of them would take sore limbs over skipping a moment like this. Because they were starting a new normal. And to start something new you got to start on the right foot. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!  
> I am back!  
> Funny story, I'm actually speed writing this out right before I take an algebra test, so I'm sorry if it isn't the best. I'm real stressed out right now. But hey, I have break after this so I can get a butt load of writing done! 
> 
> How have you all been? I feel like it's been ages since I've conversed with all of you. I hope you're doing good.  
> Make sure to take some time for yourself. 
> 
> Love,  
> Alexander
> 
> Update:  
> Not that any of you care, but I'm like 80% sure I got half of that algebra class wrong. Whoops?


	4. Stopping the flow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated cutting this chapter into two. But I think you all deserve a nice long chapter (this one is over 4,000 words!) after waiting so long for me to post again. 
> 
> Love you all, enjoy.

When the week finally passes Jack is ecstatic. He’s practically bouncing off of the walls as he thinks about the trip to the coffee shop to see Lewis. It was just a matter of waiting for Alex to come home… There had been a sudden call for him, and Jack told him that it was okay if they had been a few minutes late. _But!_ At this point they’d be close to twenty minutes, and he had to wonder if Lewis was already at the shop waiting for them. So he did as any other person would do and slipped his phone out of his pocket. 

**JackInTheBox:** Alex isn’t home from work yet, sorry. We thought he’d be working from home today. 

**TheFrenchiestFry:** No problem. Take your time! 

With Lewis’ message there was an image attached. In it was Lewis, of course, which was the first thing that caught Jack’s attention. He laughed under his breath at his own thoughts, cursing himself for sounding like an old woman who hasn’t seen a grandchild in a bit. All he could awe at was how much Lewis had grown. Sure, the guy had looked practically full grown at age sixteen, but this was entirely different. He had a half attempted beard-goatee (Jack never really understood the difference) along with a chiseled jaw. Jack had to wonder if he had grown as much as Lewis did since the last time they saw one another. He was sure that he hadn’t. All that he had been ‘blessed’ with was a head of full hair— which reached past his shoulders when in a ponytail —and a bit of height. Maybe even the beginning of a dad bod as the kids these days would call it. He was becoming more tame and domestic than he had been before, and he hadn’t really noticed it until now. 

As he pondered this Jack realized that even Alex had. Sure, he got facial hair and some height and muscle, but other than that he was becoming the epitome of white I met fence dad… and Jack wasn’t so sure he liked that. He began to wonder where this all began and whether this sense of growing would end. When he was a child he always thought he’d end up living one of those adult movies. The ones with drugs and scandals and all of that jazz. He legitimately believed that he would be interesting enough for that. Now that he was the age he saw himself living at he realized that all he could really live out was a cheesy musical or maybe the book _What if it’s Us by Becky Albertalli and Adam Silvera…_ though he hadn’t been too fond of the ending of that one so maybe he wouldn’t want to live that one out… 

While Jack sat on the couch, looking lost, the sound of a key being put into the knob of the door sounded from the entryway. Jack perked up immediately. It seemed as if the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind merely seconds ago ceased to exist. 

“Honey, I’m home!” Alex chuckled as he stepped inside. He was clearly exhausted, and seemed a little upset, but overall looked pretty put together compared to the other days he’d actually go into the office for work. He slipped off his jacket, discarding it on the small ottoman type bench that sat next to the closet door, and stumbled into the living room to peck his boyfriend on the lips. “How was your day?” 

“Fine.” Jack smiled, gazing at (or as Alex saw it _admiring_ ) the other boy’s face.For a moment he almost couldn’t speak. Jack had learned that the cliche was rather common in his life. It was as if he were living a fanfiction. The moments he’d spend taking in his life and how much he loved the people around him was ridiculous. It was beginning to feel as if there wasn’t a single moment in his life that he didn’t spend relating something to Alex. Some may call it an obsession, but he’d call it affection. Everyone has their ways of showing love, right? Alex was the type of person to give little things to Jack to show he cared. Like the tiny turtle plush that sat on his side of the bed. The one that Alex came home with and had the biggest smile on his face, telling Jack that the moment he saw it he thought of him. Of course there were weird sides to him being that type of person too. Like the time Alex came home and without saying a word walked to where Jack was sat on the couch, and handed him what Jack had thought at the moment to be a rock, but it turned out to be a fossilized shell. Jack was different. He liked physical affection. There were too many times to count where Jack would come over to Alex and just lay on his lap, or the times he’d come into the bedroom while Alex was feverishly typing away on his laptop and just start playing with his hair. 

It wasn’t like Alex had said anything against these little actions, but Jack always felt too aware of them and tended to catch himself before he indulged in the habits. 

Alex sighed, rolling his shoulders back and popping his neck, “Think we could take the subway? I’m not sure I’m in the mood to deal with driving again today.” 

“Of course.” Jack smiled as he stood from his spot and mindlessly looped his arms over Alex’s shoulders. “Lewis said he was okay that we’ll be late. Sent this to prove it.” 

Jack showed Alex the picture, finally taking a moment to look at the other guy in the image. He had short hair, just visible under the black beanie he wore. His eyes were a chocolate brown, and something about them struck a chord in Jack. There was a familiarity to them that he couldn’t exactly place his finger on. He guessed that Lewis was right, and he really did know this guy in the past, but then again Lewis was almost always right no matter how much anyone wanted to doubt it. He was planting a kiss on Lewis’ cheek. It was a cute picture, and Jack could only assume that this guy didn’t really need the Jack seal of approval. 

Alex grinned as he stared at the screen, “Looks like he’s treating our boy right.” 

“Doesn’t it? I’m not so sure I need to meet him to know they’re a good couple.” Jack joked, slipping his phone back into his pocket and resorting back to looming his arms over Alex’s shoulders again. “You think they’ll get married? They seem like the type.” 

Alex laughed in a breathy manner— the ones that are just barely heard only inches away, “you haven’t even met them. Can’t just assume like that.” 

Jack shied away, trying to hide the slight embarrassment that was forming on his face, “I guess so.” 

“Hey,” Alex breathed, his thumb moving to Jack's chin to get him to face him again, “What’s on your mind?” 

To be honest, Jack wanted to ask the same question. Because these days it was starting to feel like he wasn’t the only one hiding something. It was like those dark clouds that used to loom over his head when he was younger were rolling in once again, and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. 

“Just thinking about the future.” He shrugged, it was a half lie. Then again he never said he meant _near_ future. At least he hoped it was. “Had a lot of time to think today.” 

“Hm.” Alex hummed. He began to sway a little, his hands moving to Jack’s hips. He closed his eyes before he asked, “What exactly? In the future.” 

For a moment Jack forgot how to breathe. He had to remind himself that it wouldn’t be a very romantic moment if he had passed out right there and then, so he forced a long pull of air into his lungs before he spoke. “Everything. Like those cheesy teenage dramas where they lie in bed and fantasize about how they’ll end up together.” He swayed with Alex. It was an easy movement. It reminded him of the day they first kissed. The day at Jordan’s cabin, when they found their turtle son in the lake and danced with one another instead of participating in after dinner activities. Though this time there wasn’t the smell of pine in the air, and there also wasn’t any music. “Can’t help but wonder if we’ll be a cute old couple or not.” 

“Probably not. Looking like I’ll turn out to be a get off my lawn old man.” Alex smirked with closed eyes, making Jack blush. He was glad Alex couldn’t see. It was dumb, he was sure of it. Because after all this time he shouldn’t still get so flustered, but here he was. “You think we’ll last that long?” 

“I do.” Jack nodded, “Do you?” 

Alex opened his eyes, and for a second Jack felt worried. There was something behind those deep shades of brown that wasn’t being acknowledged. Something slipped behind them like a serpent in the water, moving like a blur, but you could see it if you knew what you were looking for. It made Jack’s stomach knot and his heart to pick up. It sounded stupid, but he began to wonder if this tender moment was going to turn bitter. Maybe it was going to be the end of his first relationship… he didn’t like the sound of that one bit. As if Alex knew what was going on in Jack’s mind his moved just so his eyes weren’t visible, looking down at their feet. “Maybe. Something always seems to get in the way when I’m involved, though, so I don’t like wishful thinking.” 

_Wishful thinking._

Those two words rang in Jack’s mind like a gong. There was endless repetition in his mind as he tried to decipher what Alex meant. He was desperately hoping that it wasn’t what he had been dreading. The words he had chosen were rather hurtful, and Jack didn’t know what to make of it. Sure, neither of them were good with words when it came to emotion, but usually Jack could at least tell the gist of what Alex meant. This just seemed bad.

He stayed quiet for a bit, trying to savor the bits and pieces of calmness his mind had. Though they were short, within the few minutes he spent in silence he calmed down in the slightest bit, or at least enough to dare ask another question. “Do you think _we’ll_ ever get married?” Jack’s green eyes looked up with a hope that must have seemed pathetic to Alex because the boy scrunched his nose. 

“Maybe.” 

That single word was enough to calm Jack down a little more. Because it meant that the ‘disgust’ that he had assumed his boyfriend was displaying was merely just a face of thought. It gave him hope in the box tab he was trying so hard to keep a secret. Day after day this black box grew more and more like a fire. The urge. To fish it out of the dresser and get on one knee right this second was the most tempting thing in the world. Jack had always been impatient. It was a feature his father always lectured and cursed him out on. Jack could recall too many days that were spent in his room because of his impatient habits. Often those days were filled with tears and anxiousness, but sometimes they weren’t so bad. 

“I think if we get married I should wear the dress.” Jack stated only to get a raised brow from Alex. 

“We can both wear tuxes.” Alex laughed almost uncomfortably. There was definitely something off. 

Jack shook his head, “No. It’s not that I think one of us has to be the woman. I just think I’d rock a dress.” 

“Should try one out one of these days then. Wear it to your lectures?” Alex laughed, this time it was more like usual. It paired nicely with the smile that pulled at the corners of his eyes. There was the slightest bit of force to it though, and it made Jack’s heart ache. 

“That’s taking it too far.” Jack shook his head, smiling. “C’mon. Let’s not leave Lewis and his Romeo waiting for too long. I’ll wait out here.” 

So then Jack sat down and waited for Alex to get into something more public appropriate. It wasn’t like the suit he worse wasn’t enough to go out— Jack just thought that maybe it was best they didn’t draw more attention to themselves in the middle of a coffee shop. So he sat and waited…

While he waited he got lost in his own mind again. See, that’s the weird thing about growing up. When he was a child his mind had been his own. He had the worlds he created to play in, and the army of imaginary friends he had used to substitute in for siblings. But now Jack’s mind wasn’t his own. He was sure it had happened the day he realized he was a second timer. There were questions he had about this all. Because he was sure that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It made more sense to think of it as sharing a mind. Maybe John getting half and Jack getting half, but instead it seemed like John got eighty percent and Jack got twenty. Often his mind was more of a colonial man’s than a twenty year old’s in the modern day. It wasn’t like he minded much though. Jack felt like he was in debt to John in some weird way. Like he had to give the soul the second time around it deserved because the first time wasn’t looking too hot. Jack still didn’t know all of it. Between stress of living in a new place and college classes… and preparing to propose he couldn’t— _didn’t_ have the time to sit down and endure a flashback. It wasn’t like he was in a very good place in John’s life anyways. 

He had learned a bit about the man. Like how the entire time he was a soldier (so from about seventeen to the last day of his life) he longed to tell his best friend how he felt. There had been in betweens, sure, but that was all Jack had really understood from it all. And from how the last time he recalled anything was looking he was about to witness something bad. There had been endless tears and thoughts about Alexander running through his head when he dreamed. What made it worse was the fact those dreams seemed to take place in some sort of gathering. Jack couldn’t afford to linger on the things John wasn’t able to make it through in the past. Those were his issues. 

There’s something about spacing out and coming back to it that just makes it so much more confusing than it should be. Jack knew this too well. Especially when he comes back to it, huddled next to Alex in a crook between two buildings on the sidewalk, watching him frantically typing on his phone. Apparently it was a little too easy for him to space out and go on what Alex liked to call _Autopilot Jack_ mode. This often happened on the days John was trying to peek out a little. Those days were rough. It’s usually when his mind would recall small things like emotions or clips of battle and gore. It drained Jack to no extent, and often led to him spending the whole day in bed which was arguably just as difficult for Alex to witness. Thankfully this wasn’t one of those days. Jack had gotten out of bed today, and even managed to eat an actual lunch before they left! He was just a little… spacey. 

“Can’t see the place from here…” Alex muttered under his breath. Jack had to assume whoever he was messaging was Lewis, and the poor guy was probably getting a long paragraph. “Think he’ll have to step outside for us to see him.” He sighed, shaking his head.“Stupid of me to think I could find it through all of the buildings.” Jack laughed under his breath at the quiet cursing Alex was mumbling. It was amusing with the context of all that Jack has seen Alex do. These days it seemed like Alex was getting a little too bold with his actions, and most of it ended with conversations like this. 

“Can I see?” Jack asked under his breath, timidly reaching for the phone in Alex’s hand. He didn’t even consider asking for the address again to look on his phone. The couple lacked a big part of personal space, it’s just how it was. It wasn’t like they _needed_ privacy anyways. So Alex handed his phone over without second thought-- at least that Jack could tell --and let Jack look through the messages. He had to scroll past one or two long messages of Alex being angry he couldn’t find the building and Lewis teasing him about his bad direction skills before he got the address of the building they were looking for. With the device in hand Jack dared to lean out of the small nook they were in to try and get a glimpse of a street sign or anything that would give him a sense of where they were. He had to suck up the whine that practically resonated in his _soul_ when he had to step away from the body heat of his boyfriend. “It should be…” He mumbled under his breath as he glanced around, trying to catch sight of the numbers on the other buildings around, “Over here.” 

There wasn’t the slightest hesitation in his actions. He grabbed the other boy’s hand and began to lead him between people on the sidewalk, towards where their supposed destination was. It was a feat to get to the door of the coffee shop without breaking the hand holding, the sidewalk wasn’t exactly open, and people didn’t look out for each other as they walked. 

The place that the two stood in front of was quaint. It had old looking wood framing the door and single window in the front, and from what Jack could see on the inside wasn’t going to look much different. For a short moment he had to wonder if they even had the right place. This definitely didn’t seem like anywhere the Lewis he knew would want to go. It seemed quiet and calm-- total opposites of the outstanding and hyper boy that he had known years ago. It wasn’t until he saw the familiar face sitting at a table, laughing at his phone, that he realized that this was it. 

Jack couldn’t move. Suddenly there was an emotion rushing over him that he couldn’t quite name. It felt bittersweet in some odd way, though there was doubt lingering just beneath the surface of it. He began to wonder if this was really what he wanted to do. Jack pondered what would happen if he chose to let go of Alex’s hand and walk home-- call it a day. He suddenly didn’t feel prepared enough for this. After years of not talking would Lewis still see Jack as a good friend? Would Lewis’ boyfriend think he was cool? How would this first impression go? 

Then his hand was squeezed by Alex, and when he looked over he realized something…

He wasn’t the only one who was nervous. 

I mean- Alex was standing by his side looking just as disheveled as Jack did. If they were in a cartoon he was sure there’d be a defined bead of sweat running down his temple.His tender brown eyes were fixed on the couple across the coffee shop as if they were his arch nemesis and he was walking into his last battle. 

Come to think of it— that’s sort of what this all felt like. There was no denying the bone crushing tension that suddenly laid itself on him and Alex. Those seconds before the other two noticed them felt like years. The time was spent in their own bubble, ignoring the looks from the other cafe goers who were trying to walk by and get out the door, or the ones who thought that the two were just creepily staring at someone they didn’t even know. It was like in superhero movies where their forefield appears around them, but this time around it stilled time around them. Just enough for Jack to realize he wasn’t going into this alone. 

But just like that the bubble popped, and Jack noticed the bright smile of Lewis’. He was glad that the comfort and hope that sat behind it hadn’t faded. Without even thinking Jack’s hand slipped out of Alex’s and he sped over to the table they were at, engulfing Lewis in a tight hug. He felt as if he were about to cy, but it was a good cry. The ones that come with that overwhelming feeling of joy and enjoyment. The tears that mean you have no other way of showing the oozing emotion that gushes in your veins. He had to take a moment to enjoy the warmth of Lewis’ body against his. For a moment he reminded himself that _Lewis is real._ For the few years they hadn’t been in ouch Jack’s mind had almost convinced itself that his friend wasn’t real. It was much like the overall denial of being a second timer. Jack was very good at convincing himself that he’s not something. 

“It’s so good to see you.” Lewis chuckled slightly, his arms squeezing Jack for a moment. 

That’s when he began to cry. “You’re so mean for not getting back in touch!” 

The other three joined in on a laugh before Lewis and Jack parted. That’s when Jack got a good view of how much Lewis had grown. It might sound a little dumb, but if Jack hadn’t been dating Alex— and happily at that —he would one hundred percent had went trying for a date with Lewis. He was a catch! So much more mature than the last time Jack had seen him. God, they’d only been eighteen then… 

As Alex got his time with Lewis Jack settled at the table where Lewis’ boyfriend sat, extending an arm for a firm handshake. “I’m Jack.” He nodded with a forced smile. There was the feeling of something in the back of his mind. The appearance of this. Guy was ringing something in the back of his mind… 

“Here.” The other man responded. 

Then it hit. 

“Mulligan?” Jack blurted without even considering an sort of decency. He hadn’t had to worry about second timer manners in ages, after all the only other second timer he’d seen anytime soon had been Alex, and they’d gotten past the _‘that’s who you are’_ stage a long time ago. 

Here grinned wide, “How’d you know?” 

Suddenly the little things were fitting together— the weirdly formal clothing Herc was wearing, the familiar smile and voice. 

“Lewis was right. You haven’t changed a bit.” Jack breathed, feeling a little light headed from the sudden connection. He was sure his mind was trying to force a memory onto him, but he wasn’t in the mood right now. “Even go by Hercules still?” 

“I got my name legally changed.” Herc responded as Alex and Lewis finally joined them at the table. “Didn’t like my name before anyways. Makes this whole second life thing easier too.” 

Jack understood that. Sometimes he had wondered if he should just go by John. The amount of times he’d almost introduced himself with that name was getting a little too high. 

“I think it made it easier for me to know it was really him too.” Lewis agreed, smiling as he set his hand on top of Herc’s on the table. 

“How’d you two meet?” Alex asked. Of course he was the one to keep the conversation going. Jack was stuck in a confused and mildly shocked place. A weird place in his head where he can’t exactly think of something logical to say. He knew if he had been the one to open his mouth he probably would have made a fool of himself. And in front of Herc? God, that would be a mistake wouldn’t it? 

Lewis giggled, his nose scrunching as he grinned into it. 

That’s when Jack saw it. 

Deep brown eyes gazing at the side of Lewis’ face with such a soft fondness Jack was sure it could rot teeth. The love that sat behind Herc’s eyes made Jack’s heart race. Because he realized that Lewis really found his soulmate. 

Jack had never believed in that bull crap. You know— the whole idea that there’s a soul on the earth that was _meant_ to meet you and love you. It all seemed to surreal. As a boy, Jack would hear fairytales and laugh because it felt far fetched. Who would ever fall for someone at first glance? Who could ever fall in love with a beast? Or sacrifice themself for someone they barely know? None of it made sense to him. There couldn’t be someone in the world to love only him. It wasn’t right. Jack thought that if there was a ‘soulmate’ for him that they should pity themselves because they were about to be real disappointed. 

What made this split second even more heart wrenching was the glimpse of his boyfriend that Jack got. The peripheral vision peek he got of the person that had made him question his thoughts on soulmates in the first place. 

It wasn’t the expression he had, no. It was just the reminder he was there. For a moment Jack had to wonder... had Alex ever looked at him like that? 

“I have a fashion line.” Herc smiled, cutting Jack’s thoughts short. He slipped an arm over Lewis’ shoulders, “and I ran into him at the grocery store. Asked him if he would model for me.” 

“He handed me a date and place!” Lewis piped up, his features basically glowing. “I wasn’t even planning on showing up until he winked at me and left! It was too much of a mystery so I went home and did some research on his name on the card... and ended up showing to the place.” 

Herc nodded as he listened, a youthful admiration in his smile. Jack was sure that Lewis had no idea, but Herc was one hundred percent wrapped around the man’s finger. Just the way he leaned his chin in his palm as he watched and listened told a million emotions.

The rest of the day went the same way.

The two couples caught up. It was sweet. It was simple. Small talk wasn’t either of their fortes, so it was almost comical how many awkward pauses there were, and how many vines and memes were quoted within those empty spaces. 

But it was home. The feeling of easy smiles and laughs was so welcoming. Hands wrapped around (one too many) coffees, and jokes made about burning tongues. On top of that there was explanation of the past to Herc and recalled memories. Even of way back when. Though, it had taken Alex a second to really put his finger on who he was taking to. 

The small talk about the past made John happy. Like a fire was lit in his chest— one that Jack had been trying to smother since they left South Carolina. Since they stepped foot on that plane...

The memories of writing by candlelight, seeing the neat signature; _Hercules Mulligan_

That made him happy. It really did. The slippery feeling of ink on his fingers as he struggled with a quill. The wretched smell of the camps they settled down in between battles. It brought him back. Back to a time where his last worry was _what is ——— going to think of my outfit today?_ He was back in a moment of hot white rage and suffering. A fight. That’s what he was back in. A fight for freedom- rights. It was refreshing to finally escape the loud noise of New York City and back in a simpler time. 

By the time Jack came back to it he was settled in bed, Alex by his side. It had been a long day— he would admit that. Not a single part of him had expected to see Lewis again. It drained his social meter by ten fold. Overlooking that fact... it was worth it. Every single slip of words and stuttered apology when he accidentally interrupted someone. For a moment he was beginning to think it would be okay if this became a normal again. Because now he didn’t feel scared to reconnect. To be honest he sort of itched for it. As he turned over in bed he wanted to bring up his thoughts to Alex. The ones about how he thought Herc and Lewis were cute together. _Made for_ one another would have been the words he would use. 

But he only found Alex asleep. 

And once again those intrusive thoughts began to eat away at his mind once more...

He was okay with those thoughts. After all the times he’d had to talk to Ben about thoughts like these he knew that they were just things his mind made up to scare him. There was no reason for him to worry. So he laid there, admiring Alex’s peaceful face. Wondering how long his heart will take to prepare himself to propose. 

Jack was okay with the thoughts until one slipped past the wall he’d built to keep those thoughts from bothering him...

_Herc loves Lewis for his current self, not his past. Does Alex love me for me? Or for John?_

And within one second Jack had a whole new fear to eat away at his gut. Because he didn’t have an answer for that one. And he definitely wasn’t about to ask for one. 

So he chose to try and sleep it off. Thinking maybe if he slipped into sleep close enough to the warmth of Alex’s chest he’d forget about it all by morning. But he knew that tactic never worked. 

Maybe connecting to his past wasn’t as great as he thought it was. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you don’t need me to, but I’m here to apologize. 
> 
> I’m really sorry for being so on and off. I know it’s nothing I can control, after all I’ve been gone thanks to brutal ups and downs, but I still feel responsible. 
> 
> But then again- I can’t blame myself. It’s nothing I can keep under control. I’m just a dumb teen who writes fanfiction in my spare time. Nothing too serious. I shouldn’t be getting as upset as I am about this. 
> 
> You all make my day just being here to read what I write. I feel real fortunate to even have people reading my stuff because it’s Hamilton fanfiction— this fandom isn’t too active anymore. Every single one of you (whether I’ve interacted with you or not) are amazing and same my heart. Seriously. 
> 
> So I’m sorry. For leaving you off on a cliffhanger. For acting like I was okay when I wasn’t. For forgetting to plan out more of the fic while I wasn’t feeling okay. For logging out for a month with no warning. 
> 
> And especially for hurting your heart with this chapter. 
> 
> Like always...  
> Smile. It looks good on you. 
> 
> I sincerely love you all,  
> Your author


	5. Heartbreaker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re following Alex this chapter (and we will in the next one too) if it isn’t too clear.  
> I know it is, but I overestimate how bad my writing is, so I just needed to add this for my own sanity.

Jack had always been the one to be more optimistic in the relationship. See, it wasn’t like Alex just _didn’t_ think they’d last. He lived Jack with his whole heart. And he lived John with his whole heart (and so did Alexander). There were things that had been going on for a bit, though. Things Alex was refusing to bring up even if his mind was almost a hundred percent sure he should tell Jack. 

The thing he wanted to say wasn’t a secret. It was more of a... fib. But what was one more lie if he’s been telling them since he had gotten his new job in New York? 

The day started like any other day. Alex woke up with a small stir, coming from a flashback of war. He’d been seeing a lot of those these days. He had done research on Alexander Hamilton, sure, but the one thing he hadn’t been expecting was how vivid and fresh these memories seemed. He was guessing it was just a curve if dying young. And also being the reincarnation of someone who everyone hated by the end of his life. Alex had to thank god that these dreams never got bad enough to scare him fully awake. It’d wake up Jack. And Alex hated doing that. He thought that the other boy deserved the sleep. 

One conversation after another made Alex realize how hard Jack worked. For a bit he was thinking that his work in the office was ten times harder than some college work, but boy was he wrong. Alex hadn’t even really known what Jack was majoring in until one late night conversation on the floor of their tiny kitchen when neither of them could sleep. That was when he got the news Jack wanted to be a doctor. 

Alex thought it fit him. But boy, four more years of school? Alex could never. _Alexander_ could never. 

That was another curse of being Hamilton in a past life. Once you started something you never stopped. There was this fighting spirit that sat a little to lovely in your chest. The defeat that Alex would feel when he put something down was ridiculous. It meant he’d only overwork himself more than he did way back when. On the days it was really bad he would spend the entire day perfecting something that was already perfect. 

There were two people in this world that could ever get him out of those ruts— the times when he was glued to his work and thought that sleep was an option for him rather than a necessity. One was Jack. God bless that boy. 

Alex couldn’t help the fond smile that pulled his lips every morning when he sat up in bed and saw him sleeping. Somehow it made the idea of actually going into work today so much better. What Alex had learned about him during this time was that he wasn’t a very heavy sleeper. Getting out of their shared bed without waking him was a task. Alex had learned the ins and outs over the time they’ve lived in their tiny, crappy apartment, but he never seemed to get it right. There was always something that woke him up before Alex got out the door. It was frustrating to no end. For some odd reason it just never sat right with Alex. It was like his nerves were seeping out of his skin, and these days those nerves were getting to the point where he could barely contain them. It was like a cup just about to overflow. Thank good for surface tension or else he would have been long gone with all of the secrets and lies he’s been trying to keep in. It was an overwhelming scared. Alex knew that one word about what was going on could (and probably would) destroy whatever white picket fence life he’d worked so hard to create with Jack. 

So as he let his feet touch the chilly wood floor he let out a breath. One he hadn’t even been sure he had been holding. _Had he been holding his breath in his sleep?_ That seemed impossible, but he wouldn’t put it past himself. tension liked to settle in his _bones_ rather than his muscle. It was like he was hardwired to feel tense and overwhelmed constantly. He liked to blame one _Alexander_ for that one. There were certain things that carried over into his current life from his past. Most of those traits he wasn’t very fond of. Like his unconditional love for one John Laurens. It made his life so hard. 

Alex let a scoff-like laugh slip past his lips while he finished buttoning his shirt as he stepped outside of the bedroom. He still couldn’t believe his luck with finding John again in this life. The feeling of misery he had been beginning to feel as he recalled the memories of his life that had John in them had almost killed him. He had just felt off. And with the little hope he had in finding John again? Alex considered the fact they actually even talked _once_ is a miracle. The fact that Jack was living with him right now? _And_ dealing with him? That felt almost impossible. 

And what Alex had learned through his time of knowing he’s a second timer? Alexander Hamilton doesn’t cope with the ‘impossible’ very well. 

As he mindlessly picks at a plate of toast he gets lost in thought. Staring at the table with blank umber brown eyes. A billion things rushed through his mind at once, but only one thing really stood our from the rest. A certain face from his work— the secretary who sits at the desk just as you step in. The woman he has such connections to form his past and his present. A thousand words came to mind to describe the entire situation. Some of which didn’t fit it perfectly, so he scrapped those. Alex was trying to find a way to explain this entire thing to Jack, and Alexander was trying to figure out how to punish himself for repeating the same mistakes over and over again. There were certain things in his life that repeated that made sense... this was not one of them. It had been plaguing his mind ever since the first second it happened, and for months Alex had been trying to let it slip past his lips. Though he knew that the disappointment on Jack’s face would break him. It wasn’t worth it. It really wasn’t. With Jack’s questions about the future and even marriage? Alex was _more_ than nervous to tell him all of this. 

It was a situation that Alexander had been offering to repeat for Alex’s sanity’s sake. But it wasn’t like Alex would let that happen. It would just have to wait and begin to unfold. 

“Are you okay?” A quiet, groggy voice asked as Jack’s head popped around the corner. 

Alex’s smile was soft, but his palms began to sweat. He’d been anxious around Jack since they met (he blamed it on the cheesy feelings), but these days it was a different type of anxious. He patted the seat next to him, “Yeah. Did I wake you?” 

Jack took the spot and shook his head with a sheepish grin. It made Alex’s heart melt— and made the bittersweet feeling of regret slip into his bloodstream. “Had a nightmare.” Jack shyly looked away as he admitted it. For a second Alex wanted to call in from work to spend the day with Jack. to comfort him while he still had the right, but he didn’t. 

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Alex tilted his head a little to get a glance at Jack’s face. To take in the look of messy curls framing a freckled face. A sight he had fallen in love with immediately, and one that Hamilton could get used to. Though, he was beginning to miss blond hair and deep blue eyes (even if he’d never admit it he missed the height difference some days too). There was something so comforting about all of that. The old days. He hated reminiscing— it just wasn’t Alex anymore when he let himself bask in the memories and the dreams of the past. Alex never liked to linger on those thoughts because he’d been told since he was little that _this_ was _his_ life. Maybe it hadn’t been the best thing to tell a little kid who barely knew what was going on with their life thanks to the issues of being a second timer, but oh well. There wasn’t any reversing it. So Alex tried his best to keep those lines between his present and past life crisp and clear. Especially these days when they were trying so hard to blur. 

“Dunno.” Jack still avoided eye contact, his hand fiddling with a hole in the front of his shirt. “It sounds dumb now that I think about it.” 

There was the most subtle discomfort in his words. It reminded Alex of the first foster home he’d been assigned with. The one he never really wanted up to— though it wasn’t like he had the _time_ to. He had just been a kid who didn’t have a single clue what was going on. And when he had ‘nightmares’ (he hadn’t known the word for flashbacks yet, he hadn’t even known he was a second timer) there was always the brushing off of it the next morning.

With a quick glance to his phone to check the time he decided there was just enough left to pester Jack a little before he really had to leave. Alex’s hand carefully moved to stop Jack’s from making that hole in his shirt any bigger. With care he held the hand, a thumb running over the knuckles, “It’s not dumb. Tell me about it.” 

Something about Jack’s uneasy and quiet demeanor wasn’t sitting right with Alex. That boy was never hesitant to tell him things. They were both two (relatively) open books. Alex could recall so many nights where they just stayed up talking. And on top of that all the conversations that came up when one of them was having an issue. Something about this all just wasn’t sitting right in his stomach, it made his heart race. He tried his best not to show it. The soft crease of his brow was enough to concern Jack. Alex looked both worried and intrigued all at once. An expression that felt all too interesting— pulling Jack in with such grace that he basically couldn’t just ignore Alex’s request. 

“It was a memory.” He shrugged, glancing away with shy eyes. “What creeps me out so much is the fact I’m not entirely sure I was alive when this memory was made.” 

That irked Alex to no extent. A shiver running itself down his spine, and the hair on the back of his neck rose. There was no possible way there were memories in Jack’s head that weren’t from his life. After all, that’s not how second timer lives worked... at least form what they knew... 

The questions lingered on the tip of his tongue for what felt like days, but was only a mere few seconds, before Jack interrupted his train of thought. 

“You can’t get to work on time if we talk about it now, though.” He finally looked back to Alex, and in his hazel eyes there was worry and fear. God, Alex wished he could have chosen to stay home today. He was put on edge seeing the almost primal fear in Jack’s eyes. It brought back memories of soft blue looking with terror, being oh so absent of joy. His heart ached thinking about it. But there was no time to dwell on the past. 

He stood from the table, a hand lingering over Jack’s as he fought a mental war to get himself to really go out to work today. There were always downfalls to going to work. Like the fact it pushed him into an old state— one that was far too familiar in all the wrong ways. Part of Alex wished Jack would just beg him to stay home, give him a reason to call in and just say he _can’t_ come in. But alas, it was just a wish. Alex knew too well that wishes often remained in the mind, only marinating in the leftover dreams and expectations of the last wishes the subconscious had made. It was a brutal cycle— one he was beginning to wish he could stop. A cycle he knew far too well. It would burn him to exhaustion if he let himself slip into the tempting currents. The feeling of deep eye bags and tired, overworked fingers was forever drilled in his mind.

"Send me a message when I'm on lunch break?" Alex asked with a childish hope lingering in the back of his voice. "You know I love it when you catch me up on stupid things on you campus." 

Jack smiled softly, finally covering the tentative nervousness that had been covering his usually so soft expression. “Of course. You know I wouldn’t forget to message you.” His eyes creased with the smile, his freckled cheeks going slightly red. The entire feel of the conversation was heart warming. It made both of the boys feel bubbly. And finally the nerves of actually going into work were overridden in Alex’s stomach. 

For a moment he was beginning to think that maybe going into work today would be worth it. The idea of all of the text messages and sweet pictures made him giddy in some odd way. The idea of Jack being upset didn’t register in his mind for some reason. There wasn’t a single thought in his mind about how Jack had looked so spooked only moments before. 

That entire mood changed when he finally stepped out of the apartment building and saw how cloudy it was. 

Because Alexander realized that there was going to have to be a time where he explains to Jack wha is going on— and he _really_ didn’t want to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!  
> I am so so so SO sorry for being inactive for a month. I didn’t even realize it’s been that long! I’ve been sort of pulled into my own love story of sorts and realized that I was cooping myself up too much. 
> 
> And I started actual school again!   
> So I’ll definitely be sparse on updates, I apologize in advance. 
> 
> Drink some water, I love you all. 
> 
> Yours,   
> Alexander


	6. Weather’s looking stormy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writers block has been getting me real hard lately. I sincerely apologize for the lack of chapters recently, I’m trying my best.
> 
> Also welcome to me writing in legit book format. Tell me if you like it or not!!

Cab rides are Alex’s least favorite thing in the entire world. While many other things in this world could definitely combat that, he refuses to consider them. At the moment there is nothing worse than being cooped up in a stuffy car with a cabby—who, mind you, seems to _never_ be a normal human being—is arguably worse than anything else the man could think of at the moment. 

He’s seemed to find a singular perk in all of it, though. There is never any conversation this early in the morning. 

So as he sits in the dirty backseat of the car he can let himself think for once in his god forsaken life. And when he finally lets his thoughts begin to run wild the first thing that comes to mind is John. 

You’d think that he’d be worried for Jack, but _John_ flies into his mind. the reason for it isn’t any good either. 

Alex has to let the thoughts and memories fray at the end, like old fabric, for any of them to make sense. It soon becomes a pile— absolute mess—of lines and worries. The only prominent one being soft brown eyes and chocolate brown hair. The image in his head makes him feel sick to the stomach. There are certain secrets he isn’t took keen on keeping, and those memories and images in his mind are not the type he’d be any good at keeping sealed behind his lips. 

But through all of the chaos in his head the name John makes him feel more queasy than his own boyfriend’s name. 

The words Jack had said sitting at the table during the morning were haunting Alex like the legacy of his past self. 

_I’m not exactly sure I was alive when the memory was made._

The idea of that boy being able to remember things from after death? Scared Alexander more than anything else. Billions of things he had done after John passed immediately came to mind when he heard that sentence. Worry. That was the only thing he could recall feeling. The type that lingers and eats away at your guts. It then opts to stuff itself in your throat, and blocks your airways. Suddenly breathing is a task. 

One thing from all the memories stuck out. 

Similar to the memory that was currently sticking to the corner of his brain it was of a girl. But this memory was much older. Like an old picture it was glazed over and sun damaged, but looking past the haze he could see so clearly what exact moment it was. In his nose he could smell the familiar scent of candle wax and sweat. Lord, that room felt so hot, but the outside air had been chilly summer night. The sound of crickets started to ring in his ears. 

Alex shook his head, bringing himself back to reality. It wasn’t any better than the past—which was finally beginning to flood over the barrier he’d created in his subconscious—but maybe staring out the window at passing traffic would make him feel less guilty for what had been happening in his first life. Guilt wasn’t even the right word to describe it. The feeling in his gut was more shame. He had never really felt guilty for the affair now that he thought about it. The decision had been made for his actions well before he could consider the consequences, so the word he used more was shame. Shame was how he ruined his own future. Shame was how he couldn’t ever look Eliza in the eyes after that... how he felt like an alien to his children and their interactions were never exactly the same. 

Just the idea of that all made him shiver, his spine feeling like jelly as all the nerves in his body stood on edge. 

_Eliza.  
_

Alexander hadn’t deserved her. It was just fact in itself. When Alex had finally gotten around to looking at what he really had left behind and saw that his wife had gone out and kept his legacy going? Let’s just say he went through an entire box of tissues. The whole memory of what he put her through made him lightheaded—and to think she made it through all that and still outlived him. 

He knew she was on a second chance, though. 

Part of him had to wonder why.

Him and Jack were obvious. They both died relatively young and still had so much left to do. John was fighting for a cause he never actually saw happen, and Alex... Alex... 

He didn’t know. 

Deep in his heart he had to wonder if he was here just for Jack. For _John._ Even if it was all tumbling apart on the daily. Historically and currently. There hadn’t been a single day in his life where things weren’t falling apart—ripping at the seams in some situations, depending how you look at it. Alexander had never had it easy.

It had only been yesterday when he got lost in his own mind while trying to sleep. His mind wandering back to the end-1700’s. When he was brought to office with Washington himself. Thankfully those memories weren’t bitter in the slightest. Nothing like the things trying to fly to mind at the moment. 

The pride that he embodied was his biggest desire in current times. Alex often wishes he could be as passionate about something this life than he was last life. There was nothing in this time that he could really feel that genuine dedicated to again. Not even a relationship. There was pity for himself that rose in the back of his head. _Oh,_ he thought, _I had been thinking I could get it all right this time._ The man was worried about how many lifes his soul had to endure before he finally got that eternal rest so many people preach about. 

That eternal sleep seems to never creep any closer. Even as Alex thanks the man who drove him and walks into the old brick building of his work. 

This place had never been his favorite. There was a constant smell of cigarette smoke, lingering in the doorway thanks to his co-workers that insist they need a smoke break. It always made him feel a little dizzy when the strong scent finally penetrated his nose. It sat heavy in his lungs, making him feel almost fully sure he’d get effects of second hand smoking. Back in his head Alex made a note to talk about his boss about that... 

“Good morning!” A woman’s voice chirped happily. In Alex’s opinion it was _too_ happy. See, there was a point in the morning when the energy and bubbly-ness was acceptable, and it was anytime past ten o’clock. “How’re you doing? Haven’t seen you in awhile!” 

Alex wanted to scoff, keyword _wanted to._ All of the happy-go-lucky tone made him want to turn around and walk straight out the door again. Sometimes I had to wonder how he ever dealt with this woman. “I’m doing fine. Thanks for asking. Just... tired.” He replied, tossing in a shrug to try and convey how much he didn’t want to converse at the moment. 

“Ah,” the woman hummed, “Rough night?” 

“Not exactly.” Alex chuckled, fidgeting with the strap of his laptop bag on his shoulder. “Jack wasn’t feeling a hundred percent this morning. Not sure I wanted to even show up today.” That last part hadn’t been intended to slip past his lips. It was the act of admitting to something he hadn’t really come to terms with. It was stupid in his eyes. 

The woman nodded, an understanding empathy in her eyes. Though she didn’t look Alex in the eyes. Part of him had to wonder if it was shame that caused her to avert her gaze. A little bit of him believed it. She had to feel ashamed for everything—Alex sure did. 

“Well,” she sighed, “tell him I hope he feels better soon.”

There was an unspoken rule between Alex and Eliza. They didn’t discuss the happenings of being second timers. Both of them were _well_ aware of who they were and what they were in their past. In all honesty, if a normal person looked real hard, they could probably tell what was going on. 

Alex nodded, his fingers moving to be crushed under the heavy strap of his bag—a grounding of types, and harm in others.

”I’ll make sure to tell him.”

* * *

An office job had never been what Alex had been expecting of himself. What he also hadn’t been expecting was to repeat history, but there was also that. 

It loomed over him like his own shadow. It whispered intrusive thoughts, and made it impossible to sit still this particular morning. 

For some reason he was still worried about Jack. That was the only thing running through his mind. The little bit of him that was still sane (which wasn’t very much) wished it was because of those stupid head over heels feeling he had the last time he couldn’t get Jack out of his mind.

Vivid memories of lying in bed, itching to go out into the hall and knock on his dorm room. Having the slightest bit of hope that Jack could hear the words he wanted to say without him having to admit it. After all, it had taken him ages to come to terms with the fact he fell in love with John Laurens of all people. He was a little more phased by the fact he had found him in the second life. Sure, things added up with unfinished business, but Alexander has secretly hoped that his boy wouldn’t find his way to earth again.

But here they were. 

Suffering, under some circumstances, with the consequences of their past lives. There was no denying the itching urges that came along with habits and memories that lingered in their present. And the nightmares of dying (what only made it worse was the fact that unlike other “normal” people they have already experienced it). Waking up in cold sweats and refusing to wake the other up for comfort. It was just a routine. Alex had never liked routines—past and present. They always made him scratch for more. Something that would break the loop that he’s ultimately get stuck in. 

That never brought anything good. 

Intention was a total different thing. Alex never meant anything bad. Neither had Alexander, but when he started to drape himself over the body’s mind again nothing good ever happening. 

Unfortunately Alexander had been in the front of the mind when he saw Eliza again. 

Years ago—about two—the boy had wished aloud that his past wife didn’t come back. There was no business for her here. Alex, when he had found out he was Alexander Hamilton, had done a deep research on his past life. Often people will tell you it’s a bad idea since it tends to bring back memories vividly and rapidly, but he did it anyways. 

Of course there were consequences, Alex is still living with those today, but it was definitely worth it. 

He had learned about his friend’s lives when he hadn’t been in touch with them through letter. And he got the information on what Jefferson (that jerk) had did after he passed. But what stood out the most was Eliza. 

She was an angel. There was absolutely no doubt about that. Dedicating the end of her life to getting stories together and told. And taking care of their children. 

It made Alexander’s heart ache when he considered the fact she could still be brought back to the world. A second chance wasn’t a requirement for her. She got everything perfect the first time around.

When he stepped foot into work, meeting eyes with the smiling, new receptionist, everything came flooding back. 

The woman’s eyes were the same.Of course it wasn't color wise, but the gleam behind the deep brown was. The light was charming in a sense. Bright and almost new, though Alex knew it was hundreds of years old. When he first saw her again he had to wonder if she was the same personality wise. He was half right. Part of Eliza was still there, no doubt about that, but in certain senses he couldn’t see the woman he knew way back when. Eliza was still determined and open—a beautiful sight to see—but something in her mannerisms just wasn’t exactly the same. A little part of him was disappointed by it when he realized it all. There was the smallest bit of Alexander who was just overall disappointed in his expectations for her. He was in no place to expect anything from her, but here he was… expecting things. 

For reasons he couldn’t explain his mind had hoped that she would have been _exactly_ the same. Maybe it was for comfort, or maybe it was because he wanted to apologize. And he knew that finally saying sorry wouldn’t feel the same if she was too different. 

Unlike his expectations—he never got around to apologizing. Even though it’s been months since he met Eliza again. 

Which only meant months of lying to Jack. 

Lying. That word plagued him. It made his mind spiral into it’s past states. Fear and worry mixing with the toxic emotion. Alex always had to wonder if the lying was really worth it if it wasn’t too easy to maintain. There were stories upon stories he had to create to explain where he was going after dinner or why he was staying after work to ‘get extra things done’. It made him feel sick. Trying to keep everything straight in his own mind was difficult, so difficult he was _so sure_ that Jack had to be onto him. There was no way that he hadn’t been suspicious at least once. 

Eliza sure had been. 

Alexander can recall how this all felt to him in the past. The summer. The woman. Work. That last word sticks out to him most. He overworked. Much like he did in his current life, and of course there were the same consequences with it. He just needed something new, and apparently it wasn impossible to explain that to his significant other. Instead he found it easier to find something new himself, and apparently the only thing that could fill that gaping hole in his mind was affairs. 

He could remember the Reynolds affair so clearly. 

Alex can tell the entire story of when that memory had come back with such detail it was probably scary. Though he tried his best not to tell that story at all. It always made him feel disgusting— _guilty._ Much as he felt these days. 

It was impossible to sit still through work. And of all the reasons he had to show up it was a meeting. It couldn’t have been too much work piling up, or someone needing to be taught to do something. A meeting—the one thing he has to sit still in and keep up to share his ideas and concepts to his coworkers. He had to be in the moment, and he definitely wasn’t these days. 

Often Alex was off in the past. His mind longing to be in those moments again—recalling cabinet meetings and planning with his comrades for battle. Certain things came to mind but were disregarded. Such as John. During the meeting Alex didn’t want to think about all of that. Being worried for Jack had done enough to his mind, worrying about _John_ wasn’t going to do him any better. 

It merely drew him back to the past more than he had been before. Being stuck in history wasn’t ideal for present work. There was no way to stop it, either. Or at least from what he knew. Maybe sitting down and talking to Jack about this all would help a little... 

Before he knew it the day was over. His co works who were on the same shift walking back his desk with a tender smile, trying to give him condolences after seeing he hadn’t been in the best mood all day. Also just being plain glad that they were done with the day—Alex was sure that if he was actually fully awake and functioning today it would have drawn on and on. 

The cab ride home wasn’t any better than the cab ride there. The car wasn’t any cleaner, the man driving didn’t smell any better—Alex always said that if you really paid attention to it the cab always smelled like some poorly prepared fast food—and he wasn’t any closer to the present than he had been the entire day. 

By the time he finally got the opportunity to step out of the cab he was practically _running._ An itch in his muscles was silently urging him to leap up the stairs into the apartment building and skip the elevator entirely. He wanted to rush to the apartment door and swing it open. Hug Jack. That’s what he really wanted to do. He wanted to walk inside and see Jack, spill how he was thinking of him all day. For real. But his mind knew better than his muscles. Alex had the information stowed away in his mind that Jack would be in class today. He was probably hidden in the corner of his psychology lecture, wishing he could send a message to Alex.

Maybe that was a little too far fetched. 

Finally getting his key into the hole Alex smiled, slowly opening the door to savor the creak of it. Somehow it felt comforting. It was all odd in its own way, really. Throughout his whole life Alexander had never been able to sit down and appreciate anything. Stop and smell the roses. But these days he has been going significantly slower. 

Sure, there were still moments. Moments where he can’t sit down and take a moment for himself, or times where he will begin working before he’s even stepped foot out of his bedroom. 

Today hadn’t been great, but it had been better than other days, and he felt blessed to finally arrive home. A place where he could sit down and space out—linger in the past without being scolded. It reminded him of the house on the campus, of Jordan. Alex had never felt a comfort about being a second timer until he was brought there. 

“Hey hun.” Alex heard someone call from the kitchen.

The boy couldn’t help but startle, he hadn’t been expecting anyone to be home yet. So stupidly he blurted, “you’re home early.” 

Jack walked to the entryway, still in plaid PJ bottoms and an oversized grey shirt. His curly mop of hair pulled into a lazy ponytail at the base of his neck. Alex thought the looked beautiful. “Yeah,” he shied away, “decided I could use a day off since I wasn’t feeling too great.”

In another stupid move Alex nodded in agreement. He was one to talk. Slipping off his shoes and sauntering over he smiled softly, “good. You do need rest. I was wondering why you didn’t message me today.” 

“Crap!” Jack sighed, “I knew I was forgetting something!”

”Don’t worry about it.” Alex grinned. “Hey, how about we order pizza for dinner. Take it easy. You can tell me about that memory.” 

They end up settling on the sofa, some sort of reality show about a couple (Alex wasn’t paying attention) playing softly in the background. It wasn’t like they were paying attention anyways—or at least he wasn’t.

Alex had his legs draped over Jack’s, watching the side of his face, examining his freckles and all the edges and curves. He hadn’t even eaten any more than one slice. In all honesty he was too caught up in what this mysterious memory could be. There was absolutely no guessing, but Alex couldn’t help but have ideas. At least a few. 

The idea of Jack remembering in between death and life? Amazing. Alex could dedicate his life to trying to figure out how it happened—he probably _would_ if Jack wasn’t there to stop him. It was a miracle of sorts. Insane was the word he would put to it. It was truly and crazily, insane. 

“It wasn’t super clear.” Jack admits almost shamefully, basically reading Alex’s mind. “There was a sort of... haze. It was all yellow and faded. Like—like an old picture.” 

Alex didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought Jack would actually open up about anything. So he nodded dumbly. Acting as if he understood what Jack meant even if he had not the slightest clue.

”And... I was in this room,” Jack’s hands splayed before him, mimicking the shape of the room, “It was a nursery or something. Had a crib and all that. But there was this boy. He looked real young, and really upset.” Jack’s hazel eyes began to gloss over, Alex knew that expression too well. 

“What happened?” He asked calmly, trying to move the conversation on gently. He didn’t want to upset Jack at all, but his interest had been piqued. 

Jack shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut, “I walked up to him. I wanted to comfort him, but the boy told me to leave. So when I went to leave... I turned the corner into this hall. It was like any other home built back then. Well furnished. I sort of wanted to stay. But when...” he took a heavy swallow, “When I looked through the doorway to the parlor... I saw you.” 

“Me?” 

“Mhm.” Jack nodded, avoiding looking Alex in the eyes.

With no idea what to say Alex reached out and rubbed his hand in Jack’s shoulder, concern lacing itself into his features. It took a moment before he could gather at least one word to say. It was a first—being speechless—but what are you supposed to say when you learn your boyfriend had seen you after death? 

“What was I doing?” 

“Standing there, looking out the window. You looked really stressed. I walked to you without thinking. I thought that maybe if your son-“ 

“Phillip.” Alex said without thinking, _blurting it._  
“I thought if Phillip,” Jack corrected himself with an absent nod, “saw me maybe you could too. But you wouldn’t look over no matter what I said or how loud I said it. I stood there looking at you for ages before Eliza walked in and... and she was really angry. You cheated on her? You... had an affair.” 

“Yeah.” Alex nodded, ashamed. He had been hoping Jack didn’t know. Alex knew that the boy hadn’t done any sort of extra research on their past lives. He said it was overwhelming and he didn’t want the extensive memories that would follow. Was it bad he had hoped Jack wouldn’t know about it all? Somewhere deep in Alex’s heart he thought this was just the equivalent of cheating. Which was something he had to unpack too. 

Jack still wouldn’t look him in the eyes. This conversation was proving to be harder than the real issue at hand. 

The silence that settled between them was thick and uncomfortable. How were they supposed to talk about this all?

Getting to the point of opening up about a memory was hard enough. Often it brought the other into the rut of a memory, and they’d both sit there and bitterly reminisce. That was the pain of it all—being friends in past lives—they both had very similar lives. It was like a ticking time bomb when one of them had a vivid memory. A bomb that would ultimately take the other out with it. 

“Why’d you do it?” Jack mumbled, picking at his fingers to try and distract himself. 

“I don’t know.” Alex chuckled under his breath, feeling pity for _himself._ What only made it worse was the deep feeling that was telling him to apologize. He couldn’t control his past, but he felt like he should at least have answers. He wanted to clear things up for Jack. Made the history clear so that he didn’t have to go searching for the things he wanted to know. “It‘s blurry to me.” 

Jack finally looked at him, and it shattered Alex’s heart. The sorrow in his hazel eyes—the look of betrayal that Alex could just barely make out. It hurt him. An anxiousness settled behind it. Alex began to wonder what else Jack could remember and what Jack would do with all of this. There had to be more to it. Alex had already expected Jack to leave him for this whole Eliza situation… but the reaction wasn’t going to be any better if he knew Alex repeated history. 

Alex decided that he’d tell Jack. But today was not the day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back!!  
> Wrote the majority of this in my choir class (which is an entire chaotic mess, but I love it). Took some time to get the wording exactly right. This chapter is important so I didn’t want a single word out of place. I’m trying out a different writing style, so tell me if you don’t like it. 
> 
> Tell me. Do you prefer the long chapters like this or the short ones? I’ve got to know, for my own sanity’s sake. 
> 
> Finally getting around to planning the rest of the fic. Boy, it’s crazy. 
> 
> Thinking about rewriting Another Shot once I finish this one so the writing styles match (and so I can fix the errors I didn’t catch. Lord. I need someone to edit). 
> 
> Anyways—I hope you’re all doing okay. Drink some water and eat something. 
> 
> Love you all,  
> Alexander


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